1. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

2. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

3. THE short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

4. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

5. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

6. I'm reading a book on the history of glue - I just can't seem to put it down.

7. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

8. The mIDget fortune-teller who escaped from prison is a small medium at large.

9. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

10. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

11. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

12. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t raise the dough.

13. I don't play soccer because I enjoy it, I'm just doing it for kicks.

14. The graveyard looks overcrowded, people must be dying to get in.

15. The guy who created autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace.

16. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

17. Did you hear about the kidnapping at the park? They woke up.

18. I'm a baker, and I knead dough.

19. I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught up in the net profit.

20. I told a joke about a chicken crossing the road. Everyone was like, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" and I was like, "To get to the other side."

21. I'm reading a book on the history of glue - I just can't seem to put it down.

22. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

23. I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.

24. I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

25. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.

26. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

27. I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

28. I told My wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

29. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

30. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

31. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

32. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

33. I'm trying to organize a hide and seek championship, but good players are hard to find.

34. I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to use it.

35. As a baker, I know my days are numbered.

36. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

37. I'm a big fan of whiteboards. They're re-markable.

38. I made a belt out of watches once. It was a waist of time.

39. I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner because it was just gathering dust.

40. I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

41. I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time

42. I have a photographic memory, but sometimes I forget to develop it.

43. I used to be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough.

44. I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

45. I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

46. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

47. I'm trying to organize a hide and seek championship, but good players are hard to find.

48. I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to use it.

49. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

50. I'm a big fan of whiteboards. They're re-markable.