1. "Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salAD dressing."

2. "Why don't scIEntists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."

3. "I’m reading a book about gravity. It’s impossible to put down!"

4. "Why don’t dinosaurs drive cars? Because they’re dead."

5. "I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."

6. "Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."

7. "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked SUrprised."

8. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."

9. "I'm not short, I'm just concentrated awesome."

10. "Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent."

11. "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."

12. "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

13. "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."

14. "Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing."

15. "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn't peeling well."

16. "I used to be a baker, but I couldn't raise the doUGh."

17. "Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."

18. "Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide."

19. "I'm not lazy, I'm just conserving my energy."

20. "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

21. "I bet you $500 I can quit gambling."

22. "Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."

23. "Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems."

24. "I have a photographic memory but I always forget to bring the camera."

25. "I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

26. "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."

27. "I don't always talk to myself, but when I do, I do it in public."

28. "Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing."

29. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."

30. "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Colonel Sanders."

31. "Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."

32. "I'm not short, I'm just concentrated awesome."

33. "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."

34. "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."

35. "Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing."

36. "I bet you $500 I can quit gambling."

37. "Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."

38. "I'm not lazy, I'm just conserving my energy."

39. "Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems."

40. "I have a photographic memory but I always forget to bring the camera."

41. "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."

42. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."

43. "Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."

44. "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Colonel Sanders."

45. "I don't always talk to myself, but when I do, I do it in public."

46. "I used to be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough."

47. "Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing."

48. "I'm not short, I'm just concentrated awesome."

49. "Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems."

50. "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn't peeling well."